Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Breaking Free

What I love about blogging different places throughout cyberspace is each place gives me a different voice, but they all are a part of me. I enjoy being humorous at Take Root and Write or the Surrendered Scribe, and it's encouraging when I can share my mom/reader/writer heart over at the Christian Writers Forum blog. Here, I tend to be the deep thinker, which definitely is a big part of who I am. When you add it all together, I'm quite the diverse package. The common thread, I hope, is that I'm always authentic.

Sunday I participated in a meme about 8 Random Things. I blended the silly with the serious, and I received a lot of feedback on my last random thing. I have a feeling I hit a chord of sorts, and I'll share it here. I'll end the post by sharing the Psalm I read the same day. Amazing how God works. It's like He knows what I'm feeling and what I need! (I'm grinning with sarcasm).

Here is the last random thing:

I finally verbalized even though it's been deep in my spirit for
months that I don't trust God (now, this time) because every time I do,
something goes horribly wrong with our health and/or insurance. This year, it
took til the first week of January for us to have a child ER visit AND to learn
that our insurance was so screwed up they had to give us all new insurance with
a retroactive start date. However it was all new in how it worked, so to pay the
co pays, it was taken off our med card that we could not adjust after we agreed
on the amount. We even added extra to cover surprises. We paid for braces and
had the extra, until the new insurance. We have been paying out of pocket since
June. I realize many people have no insurance at all and I grieve over that. Yet
I'm sharing a random thing you need to know. Would you pray for me to trust God
once and for all?

It was hard as "The Surrendered Scribe" to not only admit I don't trust God, but get specific about why. My husband is very good about pointing out the 99 things going right in our lives. Me? I zoom in on that one thing that went far out of my comfort zone. I honestly believe the health issues I deal with are a direct result from working myself crazy a couple years ago taking care of our daughter and the insurance battles. To realize right off the bat in 2008 that we needed not only completely new insurance, but the same name as the insurance we battled with, I closed my spirit big time. With the work fund for co pays tapped out, and then in June our med card tapped out, and still have out of pocket expenses to pay because the deductible isn't met, well I haven't handled this with joy and thanksgiving. Not even close.

What I keep stewing about is that we even put extra last fall on the med card for the unexpected. We knew we were paying for braces, we knew some of our medicines and appointments. But the new insurance and the way it did things with the deductible, we had no idea last fall. God did, but all this year, it hasn't been good enough for me.

To admit that in that random thing freed me and I can picture God pumping His fist saying, yes! Finally! The enemy is losing his grip on me because I'm finally speaking the truth instead of stewing. Things are not as bad as a couple years back, and that ended in such a miraculous fashion. We know now what to do next year. It will work out.

But my real name needs to be the surrendering scribe because I haven't mastered anything on my journey with the Lord. Yet He's so gracious and good. I've been reading the Bible online with the year program in a new to me translation (link to that is on the right of this blog) and here was my reading for Sunday out of Psalm 77.

I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.
I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint. "Selah"
You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.
I thought about the former days, the years of long ago;
I remembered my songs in the night. My heart mused and my spirit inquired:
"Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again?
Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time?
Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?" "Selah"
Then I thought, "To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High."
I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds.
Your ways, O God, are holy. What god is so great as our God?
You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.
With your mighty arm you redeemed your people, the descendants of Jacob and Joseph. "Selah"
The waters saw you, O God, the waters saw you and writhed; the very depths were convulsed.
The clouds poured down water, the skies resounded with thunder; your arrows flashed back and forth.
Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind, your lightning lit up the world; the earth trembled and quaked.
Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen.
You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

I love it. Just like me, the Psalm starts out melancholy and ends with hope.

I pray His message encourages you today, too.

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