All or Nothing

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It has been weeks, too many weeks, since I had the strength to sit down long enough to focus my thoughts and write. My mind and thought life have been a battlefield. It is as though I am fighting in the front lines and honestly, there have been times when I wanted to pull the white flag out of my pocket and give up. But I didn't, and I won't.

I have come to a place in my walk that He either is or He isn't. Black or white, no gray in between. For me, it is all or nothing. I either walk in His fullness or not walk at all.

A few weeks ago I had a difficult situation occur in my life where I had a choice to make. Was I going to put my hope and faith in what God says in His word or was I going to rely on what the world was telling me? The situation was very close to my heart and my mind raced constantly. Day and night I would re-wind and re-play all that had happened over and over again like a broken record. I kept thinking about it, talking about it, and thinking about it some more. I was making myself crazy!! I went to God, gave it to Him, but then moments later I would pick it back up again. I would talk to my husband, whose wisdom lined up with the word of God, and still, I could not shut my mind off. I prayed and prayed, cried, and worried. I knew then that I had a choice to make. Did I truly believe?

I asked myself . . . did I really believe in this God who I sang to and worshipped at church on Sunday? Did I really believe that His son walked the earth among common people 2,000 years ago and died for me? Did I really believe in the Holy Spirit? Did I believe that He dwells in me, leads me and guides me? If I didn't then what was I doing.

Then I read John 14.

Sure . . . I was going to church, volunteering my time, reading my bible, praying occassionally but I was missing it!! I was missing who He is, why Jesus came, the power of the Holy Spirit, . . . it was like I was dabbling in it but not submerging myself. I was like the child at the seashore running in the water a bit then running back out. I had to take the plunge!

All or nothing, it is who I am. I am praying that my days ahead are filled with Him. Today is a new day, time to immerse myself in Him. To the world I may begin to look like a freak, one who is 'out there' but for me, I have no other choice. I cannot continue to stand where the waves of this life toss me around and try to cloak me in discouragement and defeat. I have to believe with my whole heart, my whole being. I have to stand in who I am and who He is. All or nothing, for me there is no other choice.

Kim

Help Me In My Unbelief!

Well it has been a week since my last post and I still feel raw, uncertain, and am swirling in my belief. I have surrendered to the words prophesied over me concerning His call to a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him but honestly I'm just not so sure of how to get there. I feel like I'm standing on a street corner knowing where I am supposed to go but really having no idea how to get there. I have thought about calling my mentors, asking for guidance and direction, but deep inside I feel like the 'man who refuses to stop and ask for directions'. I think I am supposed to 'find my way' on my own. How scary is that!

So I sit and ponder, think and pray, and yet I find myself like doubting Thomas or the man found in Mark 9:24 which says, "Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" And then I want to smack myself! All it takes is a walk outside or a moment sitting in the sunshine to know that there is a creator and yet I still waver in this unbelief. It is as though my unbelief lies in trying to understand 'how' I can have this amazing relationship with someone I cannot see . . . I want to see like Thomas! At this point I can feel some of my mentors smacking me now!

And then He takes me to the cross.

And I think, "How can I question?"

Kim