I Like it Bold

If you knew me growing up, I might have across as confident, but it was the furthest thing from the truth. I had a lot of self esteem issues and unresolved anger. It's my faith, time, and a whole lotta tears that have transformed me from the inside out.

I realized that in the past year, bold is a new part of my identity. My sister remarked that my coffee smells so bold it stings her nose when she walked into my kitchen. It's true. I'm someone who never drank coffee before. I switched off of espresso to Italian Roast because the espresso wasn't bold enough. Tea? That's just dark water to me (sorry my tea friends).

Even my wardrobe is bold. I've never been a small frame girl and a year after surgery, my body type is I think an apple and a pear. It's not pretty and yet I've never felt better in and out. God performed surgery on more than my girl parts, He changed my heart. I get, totally get, that I'm His favorite. Don't get me wrong, I totally get YOU are HIS favorite too. I'll spend my waking moments encouraging you with this truth. As I walk with this extra weight, different body and freedom of identity, my colors are bold. I wear deep purples, blues, corals. For the first time, I want people to look at me. Not because I'm covergirl material, but because I'm feeling bold. I want you to see Him when you look at me, and I'm bold enough to hopefully get your attention.

My actions are a lot bolder. I've always wanted to help people or let them know the nice things I think but for decades wouldn't for fear that you would be too busy to deal with me, or I'd be bothering you. No more! If I'm in your way I'm believing you'll let me know. If I feel moved to do something it's with what I have and am. I'm not Paula Deen nor am I Martha Stewart. I cook and bake simple and my accessories probably mismatch. But I'm done sitting in the shadows wishing I could do more.

I'm bold---believing, offering, living and dreaming.

How about you?

(This originally appeared in a group message over on the Facebook group: Julie Arduini: The Surrendered Scribe


Julie Arduini is a writer and public speaker residing in NE Ohio with her husband and two children. Her heart is to encourage readers to find freedom through surrender. She knows that has to start with her, so she's surrendering the good, the bad, and maybe one day, the chocolate. She'd love if you bookmarked her website and signed her blog guest book at JulieArduini.com. She also went all techie and created a gadget you can use on your iGoogle page. Feel free to add it and tell others---be bold!

photo courtesy photobucket

Accepting the Package

This message isn't leaving me, so I'm going to post it here and at The Surrendered Scribe.

There is so much blessing in my life I am frustrated that I'm tripping up on such a superficial thing. My calling and it is certainly in active mode these days, is to encourage people to believe God to be big and realize how amazing they are to Him. My online ministry is to exhort readers to surrender and give up the things that hold us back from everything God called us to be.

So when I yet again winced at my picture, I struggled. I still am.

But here is the picture God is giving me. The doorbell rings and it is a delivery person. If I'd sign on the line, I receive a package worth so much that a price tag can't even be defined. And I say thanks, but no thanks.

The package is worth more than Donald Trump, a thousand tropical vacations, the best mocha every day of my life, all your favorite things in the entire world.

You walk away and refject the gift. A gift worth more than you could even describe. A present so delicately hand crafted there is not another like it in the universe.

Who in there right mind would reject such a package?

Well I do nearly every day when I look in the mirror and hate what I see.

How about you?

My story is that I've always struggled with how I look on the outside. I was overweight growing up and kids were cruel. When I look at pictures of me in college I regret that I never liked what I saw, because I'd love to look that way again. Can you covet yourself from 20 years ago, because I do!As a young adult I rejected the package and honestly, the giver, because the severe case of polycystic ovaries made me feel less than a woman. As the years progressed add infertility, multiple surgeries (with scars), injections that are bruised. In the last year or so my hormones turned like an hour glass and I watched everything go south, literally! Moods, weight, body parts...yikes.

Accept the package? I stamped it "Return to Sender."

I'd love to tell you I am so over that but I'm not. Yet. I hate that with all the writing favor that has come about lately, I spend hours, days, weeks...wishing I still fit in my jeans from two years ago. Heck, six months ago would be nice too. I don't celebrate the victories along the way even in that area---great workouts, improvement in moods and side effects, and more energy. Nope, I want that package to look amazing.

The problem? Every package is. When we reject the package and basically return to sender with sighs of disgust as we look in the mirror, envy when we look at others, and every other thing I have a habit of doing---I might as well be turning my back on God. He is not ashamed of any package He creates, or delivers. He delights in every single one of us from the new wrinkles, sagging chest, and extra weight. It is a cause to forego wellness? No, we're still called to be good stewards. But we're also meant to accept the package.

You.

Just as you are.

If you struggle with this, I hope this visual of the package encourages you. I'm working on it, too!

Have you visited Christian Women Take Root? The Narrow Gate Invites girls are not only involved in the social networking site with fantastic groups to join but the main site called Take Root and Write. Open House and regular columns are going on this week, check it all out. We'll see you there...and hey---if you have a blog, Take Root has a blog roll. Give your blog some exposure and be associated with a quality Christian site!

Julie Arduini is a surrendered writer with her own blog, http://thesurrenderedscribe.blogspot.com/. A graduate of the Christian Writers Guild, she blogs for the Christian Writers Forum Sundays as the mommy blogger. She is active with FaithWriters and has several writings ready to publish in different books and anthologies in 2008-09.

To get to know her better, read her interview by Lynda Schab at:http://www.faithreaders.com/featured-author-details.php?id=33%20

To contact Julie, please use the e mail provided in our profile.

Beautiful

As I mentioned in my "Lemonade" post, I've been out of town doing some public speaking. Most people have a real and normal fear of public speaking. Me---no. I actually thrive on speaking to larger crowds. In fact, it's the smaller crowds that intimidate me. I've had the opportunity to do some public speaking during this trip and the enemy has been after me with one thing.

I've gained weight.

Two years ago when I came to town for the presentations I lost a decent amount of weight in a short time. I was under a great deal of stress but also taking a class at the Y. As that stress ended and I gave up the class for a season, I ate out of guilt when our daughter was placed in a special needs preschool. The lie I believed was I had not done enough. I failed. I was a failure. And apparently, this failure eats.

To make a greater impact, last year I started having physical problems related to my long dormant case of polycystic ovaries. I won't get into female details but I started showing symptoms most women don't until their late forties or fifties. Up suddenly became down, black was white, and full was now starving and empty.

I had to be put on a medication just to stabilize the intense mood swings and constant hunger. There was sleeplessness, hot flashes, the whole nine yards. I was sent to a specialist. Since then I've been on a monthly injection in the stomach that suppresses all of that and has for the most part, given my life back.

Except for that one thing. I have almost daily fought and sometimes lost that battle of the bulge. More than the weight gain itself has been the onslaught of words the enemy has feasted in front of me with.

"Who would want you? After all, your husband said every day two years ago how thin you were."

"All your other friends your age aren't looking like you."

"Of course you write. No one would want to look at you."

It's been hard. But God is good.

Preparing for this trip created some anxiety within myself because I want to look nice yet I feel bleh in everything I wear. Finally I felt the Lord say to me as I dressed for the first presentation something like this---You are beautiful. I know you're sad about how you look but no one sees it but you. Your words are what they are coming to see, and they will be amazed by the beauty.

I felt His peace and dressed in a shirt that hugged my rolls a bit but it was a great hair day and I went for it as far as feeling my mission was to encourage this boy and those students with a word of life they could chew on for a long time.

Not one person said, "Didn't you look twenty five pounds thinner last year?" "Wow, you sure look old."

Every person came forward to say how the words (From God) affirmed them, gave them hope, and moved them to tears because of the emotions.

It was beautiful.

The next night our son was watching Nick at Nite and it was Home Improvement. The mom had an emergency hysterectomy and went into immediate menopause. When she uttered the following sentence, I knew God gave that episode to encourage me. I had said the very same words to my husband before leaving last week.

"I am a fat, old, hag."

But as that mom displayed the adversity of aging in ways one doesn't expect, all I saw was her beauty. Her husband was traveling all over town for milk. Her boys were loving on her. Her mom was loving her enough to tell her the truth.

It was a love note from God for me.

Sunday I gave another public speech of sorts and I knew that I knew that I knew the Holy Spirit had something to say through me. I led a prayer for fathers and I gave a testimony about broken places.

Again, I didn't leave for a good 40 minutes after church because people lined up to share their thoughts on what God did through those words. It wasn't about how I looked, my age, my weight, none of that.

I think the enemy, who really has this name, the defeated one, knew that all along.

So if this is your struggle, can I just say this:

You are beautiful.

You really, truly are.

Stay tuned for Thursday when I share what beautiful words God asked me to share.

Julie Arduini is a surrendered writer with her own blog, http://thesurrenderedscribe.blogspot.com/. A graduate of the Christian Writers Guild, she blogs for the Christian Writers Forum Sundays as the mommy blogger. She is active with FaithWriters and has several writings ready to publish in different books and anthologies in 2008-09.

Starting summer 2008, Julie will be a monthly columnist on surrender over at http://www.takerootandwrite.com/.
To get to know her better, read her interview by Lynda Schab at:http://www.faithreaders.com/featured-author-details.php?id=33%20

To contact Julie, please use the e mail provided in our profile.